Irene is pretty amazing. Ask anyone who knows her, or who reads her work. Irene will tell you she's very average, but she's wrong. I've shared a bed with her. I know.
Irene is the kind of person I hoped to meet when I started visiting forums on the internet. I found her on an aging pop star's web forum, and it was love at first flame war. We, with Darice, went on to write--I'm not sure how to say this delicately--satirical beastiality fanfiction about the aging pop star on the aging pop star's webforum. Satirical beastiality fanfiction that the aging pop star actually either read himself, or had read to him. Irene cringes at this. I am strangely proud. Or maybe just strange. Moo.
I love Irene like seagulls love for you to have picnics at the beach, leaving all your fatty, fried foods behind for them. It is a greedy, clucking, can't-get-enough-of-your-love-baby kind of love. But then, everyone who knows Irene loves her that way. You just want more. Mooore.
Here's what she has to say about herself:
First Name: Irene
Age Range: I’ll own my age: 41. Now tell me I couldn’t possibly be that old. Please.
Job Title: Account Manager
Industry: Insurance

Who are you? I’m still trying to answer that question for myself, to be completely honest. I can’t bundle myself up or describe myself as ‘mother’ or ‘devoted wife’ or ‘struggling professional’ or ‘aspiring author’ or anything else. I’ll just say that like Popeye, I am what I am. All the attendant quirks, tics and flaws just add depth and flavor, like a fine wine. Which if I were a wine, at my age I’d be completely rockin’. Or vinegar. Which might be closer to the real non-wine me. But I digress...
Describe Your Family: I have two families: I have a husband who I adore, who seems to adore me--for which I am very lucky. I have a beautiful fourteen year old daughter who is so much more than the sum of our two parts—as in scary smart and probably going to take over the world at some point. I have two fur covered slugs that disguise themselves as cats. I have two incredible sisters and their children. My mother is infuriating and amusing and exasperating and wonderful all at once. (Remind me to tell you the story about the forty day fast for world peace that lasted five days and included pizza, or the time she told me if Jesus had lived past his thirties, he’d have gotten Botox.)
I also have a family of choice, the Alphas. We call ourselves the Alpha Bitch Club, or the ABCs. These women are the women who I count as my closest, dearest friends and they know me better than anyone. They are always willing to deliver the clue by four repeatedly to my head until I stop being an idiot, they put up with me, and in return I do the same to them. If any of them needed a kidney, I’d be swabbing my side with alcohol while I grabbed my keys to get to the hospital. Mom… I’d have to check my insurance coverage first. And schedule vacation. And arrange a cat sitter.
What does the first hour of your day look like? Normally, it’s very dark and filled with grunts. My husband likes to let his clock radio snooze three times before he gets up. This annoys me, because I’d rather just sleep the extra 15 minutes. Then I shamble into the bathroom while the spouse wakes up the teenager, who has her own beauty regimen involving heavy brown eyeliner and a hair straightener to get the properly moody emo look. I’m usually brushed, moisturized, made up, dressed and out the door within 20 minutes of getting up and then the long drive to work.
What does the last hour of your day look like? I cruise the internet for Orlando Bloom gossip and porn… I mean, I research very weighty and serious matters about celebrity interpersonal relationships so that I may one day have a thesis to get my Ph.D. in Psychology. Yeah. That’s it. That’s the ticket.
What makes you feel successful? A variety of things: A job well done. Progress made in a backlog at work. Making someone who works for me look good. A funny blog entry.
What brings you joy? My daughter. She’s a great kid: smart, well rounded, beautiful. She’s my pride and joy
What were you like in first, sixth, and twelfth grades? Oh, jeez. First grade, if I recall, I was the teacher’s pet. Sixth, I was the class punching bag. Twelfth, I was the geeky but almost on the fringes of the popular kids clique one.
What advice would you give yourself at each of those ages? Hmmm. First grade? Unknown. Besides, I wouldn’t listen. (this would actually be abundantly true for any age of me, frankly) Sixth: I would tell me to not listen to my grandmother and remember that the future is directly affected by what I did then. Twelfth: I would tell myself not to take that year off after high school and go straight on to college. I would also remind myself that getting healthy habits then would be so much easier to maintain then trying in your thirties and forties. Oh, and that Barry Waldron wasn’t worth it and that he was a cheating scumsucking dick, so stop crying over him and find a man that wouldn’t borrow money from you to take out an ugly chick.
Who do you admire? I admire a lot of people, too many to list all of them. I admire all the Alphas. Each one of them contains a facet or aspect that I truly want to emulate—for example, Telaryn and her strength of will, or Holly and her good sense, or Darice and her intellectual power, or Debbie and her superpower of organization. Between the six of us, we have the makings of an exceptionally gifted person.
I admire Rachel Caine (who is an awesome writer and funny lady and you need to read her Morganville Vampire series and Weather Warden Series like WHOA) because of her ability to maintain a life with a job and her family and everything that implies, and still manage to bang out good, readable novels at an amazing pace while surviving breast cancer. And she remains amazing while she’s doing it all.
I admire the owner of this blog for being the most confident, beautiful, comfortable-in-her-own-skin, loving woman I’ve ever met. And for her ability to pose Barbie dolls in salacious Duran Duran related positions while high on raw cookie dough. (inside joke, thank all the little Gods we lost the negatives [ed. note: And the big ones. Whew!]).
I admire women who are not afraid to be intelligent, and I admire men who aren’t afraid to admire intelligent women.
How would you like to be remembered? I’d like to be remembered with laughter tinged with joy--as a fairly intelligent woman with a good sense of humor, a strong sense of what is right and wrong, and a moderately good mother, despite my general dislike of children.
Learn more: You can learn more about Irene, or just laugh yourself sick over on her blog. If Denis Leary and Erma Bombeck had a baby, it would be Irene.